Monday, March 15, 2010

Baby Blues

I can't tell you how many times I have sat down to write an entry and then felt like no one really cared to hear about my problems. I'm trying to get over that... so here goes. I've been trying to have one more baby (the tears are already welling up). I have three beautiful children that I am so grateful to have. It comes as a surprise to some people that I struggle with infertility, and since I already have three wonderful children I feel like people just assume that I don't want anymore. My story isn't as sad as those women who are never able to have children, but I feel a lot of pain at my inability to have the baby I have longed for. The hardest thing about this is that it is my weight that is at the root of my infertility. You would think that this would be the motivation I need to lose the weight. Well it has been several years of trying and no success. I tried clomid(a fertility drug),my son was conceived while using this. Didn't work this time. I tried metformin(a diabetic drug)this has helped some women because when your weight is the issue then sometimes your hormones are off and so is your insulin. Didn't work. I tried the clomid and metformin together, once again no pregnancy. not even a mentstraul cycle. Needless to say I have been a bit of a wreck.
I feel that this is my own fault because I can not become motivated enough to take off the weight. So I mostly suffer in silence(more tears). The most upsetting thing is that this sends me into a state of depression and we all know what happens then. I eat! I eat and then eat some more because I want that comfort food offers so many of us. The thing is that this is the enemy, not my friend. It offers me nothing but more misery because of the effect it has on my body. When will I ever be able to overcome this affliction? Do I simply accept the fact that I will always be fat, and that I will never have the baby I long for. Lets face it I'm 36 and if I don't get my act together now then it will be to late.
I took a pregnancy test this morning, negative. I told myself and my husband after this round of clomid/metformin that I was finished. I would simply accept the fact that a baby was not in the cards. He told me that with all the things I am trying to accomplish at this time(I'm currently enrolled at UVU to get my pre requisites finished to apply for the nursing program)maybe right now is not the right time for a baby. Doesn't really help.I love my husband but it seems that even he doesn't understand what a disappointment this is.
The thing is, the biggest disappointment I fell is the one in myself. Why? Why can't I get my butt out of bed in the morning to exercise? Why do I sit on the couch watching some stupid T.V. program that does absolutely nothing for me? All the while eating some unhealthy amount of sugary or fatty snack. What is wrong with me? What is it going to take? I know I am unhealthy, I worry about all of the problems that come from being overweight, but still I am not motivated. I curse my own body for it's inability to conceive a baby, and still I am not motivated.
I look around me and I am able to see so many women like yourselves having success and still I am not motivated. Heck I'm the one that started this blog as a support to all of us trying to lose weight.
Thanks for letting me whine. The good thing is that I got on the treadmill for the first time in a long time. Maybe this will be the one that will stick. Any words of encouragement or advice will be welcomed, as long as you don't mention that maybe I should give up on the baby thing.


  1. I'm not sure what to say since obviously I've been there on the weight frustration, if not on the baby thing (I have no desire for more . . . ) But, I can say that this time around, not only has this challenge really helped me, but I've been coming to a new realization and relationship with God over the weight thing. I've had to turn it over to Him. I've had to say that this is something I can't do myself, so it's His. The answers I've felt I've gotten are that I need to do the things I feel I can control to get my spiritual life and relationship with God where it needs to be, and he will take care of the rest. For me, what this has meant is regular, meaningful scripture study and daily (morning and evening) prayer. Both are much better if I do them with a notebook in hand to write down the promptings He wants to give me. I've found that inviting God to my day (and dinner) through morning prayers has helped me make better choices throughout the day. I certainly haven't perfected this yet--some days are better than others. But I'm getting better. And I've been less worried about things that I can't control, or that I struggle to control. My outlook is better, my ability to understand what God has in store for me is better. Maybe you're praying and studying daily already, but what I'm saying is that maybe if you go to God and try and discover what it is He wants from you as your next step in becoming closer to Him, and focus on those things and leave worrying about weight and babies (things we can't really control) to God, He'll take care of them--in His time, and according to His will--and in the meantime, you'll be getting to a place where you can understand and be okay with whatever He has in store for you.

  2. Make sure you are taking vitamin d the defficiency of it can cause weight gain. Maybe you should also look into a anti depresant. It has helped me feel better so that I could lose the weight.