Tuesday, January 5, 2010

So Happy!!!

I'm so happy to see all of you join the group. Reading your posts have inspired me today. Hate to admit it but I called and canceled on Denise for our workout this morning, then I read the recent posts by all of you and I am feeling a little bit guilty. It's funny how much alike we can all be. I hate the camera, I haven't even had a family photo for about seven years because I am waiting until I can look good (which = thinner for me). My poor little boy probably will look back someday and think he was adopted because of the lack of family photo's after he was born. I dislike the way I look, but even more I hate what being fat has done to my body. I was once an active go get it kind of girl. I never was what you might call thin but I was comfortable with myself. I hit around 220 in my early twenties then managed to take it off and I was around 165. Then I got married and had the kiddies. I never gained much weight while pregnant, but in between each pregnancy I packed it on. Three kids later I find my self fat as ever. I hit 255 last year. When we first started the blog and I was serious about taking off the weight I was able to lose 30 lbs. Then I stalled and even gained back five of those pounds. Isn't that the story of my life? Lose some gain some more back. Now is the time to stop that cycle. I'm glad to have your support and honesty in doing this. Being fat is the biggest obstacle I face because it has taken so much away from me. First of all it has taken away my ability to have more children. My youngest had to be conceived with fertility treatments, and when we were ready to have another child we tried them again but it didn't work because I had gained to much weight. So I went to a specialist and he suggested that I lose the weight before trying anything more drastic. Well that was over three years ago and I am still too fat to conceive. I think I have never gone any further in what I was willing to try to conceive because I felt that it was my fault for not being able to control my eating habits and not exercising. Plus I do have three wonderful children, shouldn't I be satisfied with that. Being fat makes me questions myself in so many ways. Mostly that I am not deserving of the things I want most and so I have stayed closed up in my house eating my way to even more guilt. Only recently have I broke out of that shell a little bit. I went back to school to pursue my degree in nursing. Even in this adventure I find myself questioning what I am doing. Whenever the issue of weight or nutrition is brought up in my classes( they are brought up a lot ) I feel a sense of shame. How could someone like me be a nurse, a person who is supposed to be a representative of health care? This might sound outrageous but I wonder sometimes if the professor is looking at my directly when these issues are brought up. Maybe my own insecurities with being fat. But I took the leap to go back to school and I have been wonderfully full filled with the experience, and very successful. So now I need to translate that over to my weight loss journey. And although I will probably always have those nagging insecurities, I just need to overcome them and no longer let them direct the path my life takes. Thanks so much for joining and being willing to lay it all out there and be honest. I truly think it is the first step on our journey. I am excited to have someone in my family join, we share the curse so many families do, a love of food. Hopefully with our success we can inspire more of our family members to join. Thanks for letting me ramble on, I tend to do that. Today I weigh 230 lbs. I will try to post a picture, I have loved seeing yours.
P.S. Jennifer P. I would be interested in your over eaters group, call me with the details.

1 comment:

  1. The meeting is on sunday nights at the hotel in springville, across from the flying J. it starts at 8pm. I am a support group fan for sure!!!! I usually go and when I leave I fell good about what Im trying to do. Any time you want to go let me know or just be there!!!!